Comrades

As if you actually died in that dream
and woke up dead. Shadows of untangling vines
tumble toward the ceiling. A delicate
lizard sits on your shoulder, its eyes
blinking in every direction.

And when you lean forward and present your
hands to the basin of water, and glimpse the glass face
that is reflected there, it seems perfectly at home
beneath the surface, about as unnatural
as nature forcing everyone to face the music
with so much left to do, with everything
that could be done better tomorrow, to dance
the slow shuffle of decay.

Only one season becoming another,
continents traveling the skyway, the grass
breathing. And townspeople, victims, murderers,
the gold-colored straw and barbed-wire hair of the world
wafting over the furrows, the slashed roads
to the door of your office or into the living room.

The towel is warm and cool, soft to the touch,
but in another dream altogether
a screen door creaks open, slams shut,
and across the valley a car's headlights swing up
and over. And maybe you are the driver
with both hands on the wheel, humming a tune
nobody's ever heard before,

or maybe the woman on the edge of the porch,
grown quiet from fleeing,
tough as nails.


- in every direction (ralph angel)

it's getting old.

oh my god... i really need to figure all of this out. i'm SO angry, all of the time, and i can't control it and it spews forth like lava, burning up everything and everyone around me. and i know it's because i'm working 12 hours a day and still not making enough and i'm tired all the time and not exercising or auditioning and have no real outlet for all this stress, but i can't do anything to fix it right now - i can in a few months, when i'm financially back on my feet, but not right now.

i just wish my brain could understand that it's only temporary, and stop getting so furious and wound up over things that don't matter; because being angry makes everything else five times as hard.

and it isn't like before, it isn't a therapy thing or a sex thing or a memory thing or a panic attack thing - it's a brand new thing where i'm really sensitive to my surroundings, and um... lash out in anger when i get overwhelmed. not okay. aaand i don't know what to do about it. waiting it out is not working.

Current Music: mgmt

I have been hold up in my Fortress of Solitude doing that hermit thing I do so often. I plan to come out of this as soon as I can, the biggest hindrance is that I am flat broke and the little cash I am lucky enough to scrape up or borrow has to go to a limited amount of Christmas presents. I have been job hunting but what with the economy circling the stained and smelly toilet bowl and my supreme lack of marketable skills, the hunting hasn't been fruitful. When I get my yearly Christmas check from the grandparents I may be able to get out and get into some wacky adventures again.

I was randomly chosen to potentially serve as jury for a murder case. It involved me getting up at the obscene hour of 7:30 in the morning (I know right? what kind of civilized mammal gets up before noon?)and wait in the freezing weather to get into the courthouse and fill out weird paper work with about 100 other potential jury members. Security confiscated the one remaining dummy bullet from my military shoes (the rest had fallen out while running to a Broadway audition)

One of the questions was something like "What, if any, is the biggest flaw of our system?" My response was that power has the ability to corrupt. Later when the prosecution and defensive were asking us questions about our answers to their paper work questions I was asked to elaborate on this, so I told the lawyer that people can be bribed, black mailed, have a bad mood effect their decisions or otherwise be swayed this way or that, she asked me "when you say 'people' who do you mean?" and I, not thinking, replied "Judges, lawyers, juries. It's not the system that is corrupt, it's people." and that is the story of how I accidentally accused an entire courtroom of being corrupt.

After we gave our replies to their questions about our replies, the defense and prosecution proceeded to explain the law to us, burden of proof, innocent until guilty, and such. They explained that we might have to give the verdict of not guilty and would everyone be okay with that? All our heads nodded, than they asked if anyone would have any problems with giving a verdict of guilty and I raised my hand.

I just couldn't do it, I couldn't sentence someone to such a hell as prison or death (which would probably lead to hell.) The world needs prisons, we need those bars and walls, I understand that, I even approve, but I can't send someone there no more than I can kick a puppy with sad eyes.

The judge excused me and the one other man who had raised his hand, I turned my jury tag and beat feet out of there.

I had thought of a lot of things I could do to get unselected from the jury if I hadn't been excused.

1. Accidentally accuse everyone of being corrupt.
2. Blatantly and aggressively hitting on any of the lawyers.
3. Try to lead everyone in a sing along ("okay, come on everybody, sing along. The judges gavel goes bang bang bang.")
4. Claim to have mental powers.
5. Bite someone.
6. Claim to be God and tell the judge "He should judge not, lest I judge him."
7. Respond to all questions in my Kermit the Frog voice.
8. Start eating something that is not normally consumed, like a shoe.
9. Try to relate all my answers to Pokemon.
10. Insist on thoughtfully and dramatically chewing on the ear piece of my glasses while staring out the window before answering any questions.
11. Wear nothing but underwear....ladies underwear.

The whole thing shined a light for me on how cracked our system is. Each case can be broken down into two teams essentially, team It Happened and team It Didn't Happen, each side does their best to prove the other side wrong, which sounds okay on the surface, but when you take into account the fact that each side is paid to ignore half the facts and the more money you have the better team you can get the system starts to break a bit. It showed me that there will never be a perfect system because humans are flawed, I believe everyone I meet is honest and kind until proven otherwise, but I know there are people who love money, loopholes, cheating and trickery and they can easily make a living off the justice system.

Current Music: Tired --- Everlast

my most common observance of strangers is how quickly they feel they are 'owed' something. be it having to wait a few minutes, losing their sense of direction, being offended by the mere idea that they might need some assistance... i don't know if that's part of our culture, or what; i mean, i certainly feel a sense of entitlement as much as the person next to me. but if you're a stranger to this environment, why is your first reaction anger, or annoyance? what about it starts those gears in your defense system? i feel like the term 'open heart' is something you can't describe in words. do you think if you entered an unknown environment with an 'open heart' and a certain mindset that you can control your experience...? my answer would be an absolute yes.

i know it's fucking boring as anything, but let me just put it out there that within six weeks of moving back to new york i've gotten thru a double hernia surgery, found an apartment that i love and never want to leave, aaand got a second job.


none of these are fun or amazing or anything, but it puts me one step closer.

i have got to do something outside of work, and soon.